No Price Too High

The myopic “America-Firsters” are once again falling into the “useful idiot” role, this time by embracing the ideology of the anti-free-trade unions.

The latest assault on the proven triumph of free-market economics comes to you courtesy of Congress. But to the consternation of Defense Department leaders and the White House, this blow to rebuilding our military at bargain prices comes from a friend. According to an article in today’s New York Times the hand holding the dagger belongs to a close friend, Congressman Duncan Hunter, chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.

Famously hot-tempered Donald Rumsfeld is all or nothing on Hunter’s “buy American or don’t use it” provision. According to the Times, “…Rumsfeld, has said he will recommend that President Bush veto the entire $400 billion 2004 Pentagon budget if Mr. Hunter does not back down. According to a White House statement, Mr. Hunter's proposals are ‘burdensome, counterproductive and have the potential to degrade U.S. military capabilities.’ ”

Talk about misguided. The California Republican and former Ranger has told the Times, “If the American worker is going to pay for the defense of the free world…he should participate fully in the manufacture of military goods. This is a warning shot, a red flag. We need to have domestic sources for critical military components. No one argues with that. We just differ in the details.”

Maybe he thinks it’s just a detail. But crushing the DOD budget in the midst of our massive Federal deficit makes no sense at a time when we should all be pulling together to defeat terrorism abroad. There’s no need for DOD to buy from high-priced, unionized U.S. workers when they can get a better deal abroad. Let those who work for almost nothing without health and safety protection contribute to our efforts, too. We should welcome their sacrifice to ensure that our military gets the lowest price.

Some liberals argue, absurdly, that the low pay in foreign markets creates a hotbed for revolutionaries and anarchists. But that’s economic idiocy, really. Would these workers be more Anti-American if we did no business with cheap-labor countries? Then they would have no jobs. Would that make these people think more kindly towards us?

Arguably the best way to measure the merits of this “Buy American” approach to spending our precious tax dollars on the Defense budget is to look at who sides with Hunter and his anti-free-trade agenda. According to the Times, “In a letter being circulated in Congress, Leo W. Gerard, president of the United Steelworkers of America, says, ‘American steelworkers are also American taxpayers and they do not want their tax dollars going to subsidize the export of their jobs!’ ”

And in case you wondered about the thinking of the “world community,” so happy to profit from our foreign military excursions, but so short on supporting them, the NATO secretary general, Lord Robertson, reports the Times, thinks buying American, “would threaten ‘political unity.’ ”

Despite support for buying American from some self-serving U.S. industries, like clothing and shoemaking, machine tool, ship building and steel companies, the biggest defense contractors, like Boeing, Lockheed and Raytheon, managed to find a sympathetic Congressional ear. It belongs to their trusted friend in the senate, John Warner. A group of 25 military-industry leaders met with him to impress on him how much more they would have to charge the DOD to wage our war on terrorism, should they be forced to employ more Americans. Theirs is a clear and patriotic case, that at a time when all of us should be focusing on protecting our homeland, the last thing on our minds should be a protectionist ploy to keep jobs in the U.S.
¶ 1:30 PM

  Friendly Fire

When the Eiffel Tower had a fire the other day, the President’s men in the White House quickly gathered together to figure out a response. Everyone knows that the French are not the favorites of the President’s advisors, but global plans to fight terrorism overcame their natural reluctance to help their adversarial “old Europe” NATO ally.

“This will set back our plans to restructure NATO so that it actually is made up only of us, Great Britain and former members of the Warsaw pact,” said Rumsfeld. “But you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. What the hell, let’s send in a SEAL team,” said Rumsfeld. “They can secure the area and then we can rotate some of the Third ID from Baghdad through the Chunnel to France. That ought to take some of the griping out of the boys. They sure liked those French women in all those war movies I saw as a kid. That way we make sure that any anarchy is quelled until we can establish management of the tower that is friendly to us.”

Said Wolfowitz. “A maitre d’ I spoke to in Paris on the way to Iraq told me that there is a Paris pro-French group who may have Al Qaeda links involved in this fire. He served me a very nice French wine; I’m sure we can trust his intel.”

“My men from the FBI will start looking at security camera photos from the entrance on the ground floor and matching them to our ATM and immigration records immediately, looking for an al Qaeda link,” said Ashcroft. “And if I have to kick a few doors down to get answers, so be it. Let them squawk. We’ve got the Patriot Act, so I no problem squeezing info from them.”

“But if you pick up any Frenchmen don’t send them to Guantanamo, send them to Maine, or anywhere cold. They love the warm weather. You’ll never get them to talk in Cuba,” said Cheney.

“In the meantime, I think I can find something in my files, from an Italian children’s morning TV show, that I recall showed that there was someone in Paris connected to Al Qaeda,” said Condi Rice.

“Can’t we find something that makes it look like they’re acquiring weapons of mass destruction?” asked Cheney.

“A fire can cause mass destruction. Look at the great Chicago fire. And we’ve had reports that our own massive forest fires might be due to actual intentional arson from Al Queda cells in the U.S. who acquired their training and materials abroad,” said Ashcroft.

“Make me believe it,” said Cheney.

“Found a crumpled package of Gauloise cigarettes in one RV camping spot in Arizona. I think we have a compelling case here for Al Queda involvement in this Eiffel Tower thing,” said Ashcroft. “All we have to do is find a Gauloise cigarette pack near the site of the Tower fire.”

“Bring it on,” said the President.

But no one was really listening to him. They were huddling around the wall map looking at Paris.

“We can avoid getting flyover permission if we launch from Great Britain. The team can be in control of the Eiffel Tower in a couple of hours, Mr. President,” said Rumsfeld.

“I hate to commit troops abroad, but it’s America’s manifest destiny to bring freedom to people, whether they like it or not. And the French have lived under the horror of socialism for too long,” said the President. “Besides, after our boys sent in the police to arrest the democrats in Congress the other day, it’s important for people to know that we abide by the highest moral and ethical standard: We treat others exactly the same way as we treat ourselves. Hey, where the heck is Colin?”

Said, Rumsfeld, “He’s touring Europe, Mr. President. “Getting Germany, France and the others to help us police Iraq. Our boys are getting restless over there, so we need the old-line Europeans to send their troops to Baghdad so we can rotate the Third ID out.”
¶ 9:12 AM

  Domino Theory


“Welcome to Middle Eastern Domino’s how can we help you today?”

“This is Paul Bremer. You got burgers, freedom fries?”

“Sorry Mr. Paul, we only have pizza here.”

“No fries?”

“If we offered fries, then one thing would lead to another and we couldn’t manage the business. At least that’s the theory here at Domino’s. Hold on please. I’ve got another call. Domino’s how can we help you today?”

“This is Saddam, I’d like a delivery, it’s terrible outside today and I don’t feel like cooking.”

“Yes sir, right away. Would you mind terribly holding?”

“No problemo, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hello, welcome to Domino’s. How can I help you today?”

“It’s Yasser, Can you still deliver to Gaza?”

“Certainly Mr. Yasser.”

“Great, I’m starving. Can I get a feta pizza with olives and artichokes?”

“Will that be cash or charge?”

“Put it on my Amex.”

“Just let me pull up your file. Oh dear, I’m afraid your card is no longer good, Mr.Yasser.”

“OK fine, you got Saddam’s card on file, charge it to him then.”

“Actually, he’s on the other line. One moment please. Hello?”

“This is Saddam, yes, I am still holding.”

“Mr. Yasser would like to charge his feta, olive and artichoke pizza to your card. Is that all right with you?”

“Again? Like I am made of money? He never pays. Maybe he should quit hanging around the house all day, get out and find work.”

“Sorry sir, his American Express was cut off.”

“OK, OK. What are friends for? Hold it a sec while I check something (the rustling of a wallet). Right, let’s use my MasterCard that’s on file.”

“One moment please.”

“Mr. Saddam, I’m afraid that Master has been cancelled. An outstanding balance for some aluminum tubing?”

“I told the bank I had mailed in the check. Oh? They’ve been bought by Citi? I’ll have to straighten it out with them later. Just use my Amex.”

“One moment please.”

“Mr. Saddam, I’m afraid that’s been suspended. Apparently, there’s an outstanding balance for some chemical and biological weapons.”

“Hey, I straightened that out back in the 80s!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but Middle Eastern Domino’s can’t really help you with that. Perhaps if you called American Express…?”

“Can’t. I keep getting trapped in phone hell.”

“Mr. Saddam, could you hold a moment? I’ve got another call.”

“Hello, welcome to Middle Eastern Domino’s. How can I help you?”

“This is Taylor. Do you deliver to Nigeria?”

“I’m sorry Mr. Taylor, only to Liberia in that part of Africa.”

“Damn. Well, now I don’t know what to do. I’ll have to call you back when I figure out where I’ll be later. Bye.”

“Hello, Mr. Yasser, are you still holding?”

“I’m here and I’m hungry! Have you gotten the OK to get me my pizza yet?”

“One moment sir, I’m still checking with Mr. Saddam. Perhaps you have another card?”

“You take Dinar’s Club?”

“Not for the last few months, sir, sorry. There was a hostile takeover and now their accounts are with Amex.”

“Amex again. Well get back to Saddam. I’m sure he’ll spring for it.”

“With pleasure sir, hold on please.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hello, Mr. Saddam? Are you holding on?”

“Still here.”

“Mr. Yasser is holding. Do you have another card you can give us?”

“Hell with the cards. You take dinars?”

“Not for several months now sir, sorry.”

Hello? (Pistol shots in the background) “All right, have it your way. U.S. Dollars. And give me two of whatever Yasser’s getting.”

“Gladly sir. If the pies aren’t there in 30 minutes, they’re free.”

“Great. But don’t send mine to the palace. I’ll meet you at the corner of Saddam and Main with the money. You know where Yasser is, right?”

“Yes sir, same place as always.”

“Hello, Mr. Paul. I’m terribly sorry for the delay. If you think you’ll need pizzas regularly, we’d be happy to set you up with our corporate discount program.”

“Good idea. Stick a brochure in with the order. No point wasting money. No one seems to know where Saddam is, so we could be here quite a while.”



Letting Them Eat Cake

So Ari Fleischer has been looking for a new job and has finally gotten to the last interview with his most promising prospect, Mr. Acme, president of Acme Bakery Company. What follows is a direct transcript of that final interview:

ACME: “Ari, Everything looks good. Just a couple things to clear up on your background. Seems the letter you gave us about your baking experience in Africa is, uh, forged.”

FLEISCHER: “I think you've seen my resume, about whether I did or did not work at the places I outlined there. I prepared it at the beginning of the year, based on that letter of reference. Now that I am here, at your bakery, whether or not my resume is true is a judgment made in hindsight, based on knowing now what I did not know at the time I prepared my resume. And, in retrospect, I would not have given you that letter.”

ACME: “But the British company that owns the Africa bakery says they never heard of you?

FLEISCHER: “I think this remains an issue about did I run a bakery in Africa, an issue that very well may be true. Sitting here now, we don't know if it's true—I may have run a different bakery. And, therefore, the judgment I’ve made is it should not have risen to the level of inclusion in my resume.”

ACME: “Let me follow-up on one point, you are someone who said he prides himself on straight talk and accountability. Yet you’re not acting upset that this recommendation letter is false, something that appeared in your application package.

FLEISCHER: “I assure you that I am not pleased. I, of course, would not be pleased if I put something in my resume that may or may not have been true and should not have risen to this level. There's no question about that. I’ve acknowledged that.
“But I also am a guy who keeps his eye on what really counts and on the bigger picture. Nobody, but nobody, thinks that the only reason I am going to run your bakery is because I may or may not have run a yellow-cake bakery in Africa. I am going to run your bakery because your bakery needs to be run by someone who believes in the rightness of your way of doing business, who says what he means and who tells the competition to “bring it on.” My actual experience running a yellow-cake bakery, in the scheme of things, is a minor element in the judgment that was made in the events that led up to hiring me. And that's why I’ve approached it in the manner that I have.”

ACME: “Thanks for clearing this whole mess up, Ari. It reassures me to find out you’re the straight-shooter I thought you were when I put you in charge.”


If You’d Just Come Out of a Coma…

Just the other day a man came out of a 19-year coma. A miracle and a gift for all involved. He still thought Reagan was President. It got me to thinking about what it might be like to get filled in on what’s happened in our foreign “involvement” since then.

“You mean that invisible Beltway guy, VP Bush is now President? The one who was head of the CIA?

No? His son? Who the hell is his son? Some frat boy his dad’s cronies gave a baseball team in Texas? He’s gonna fight the Ruskies?

No? The Ruskies are our pals now? We’re fighting the Muslims? Iraq? The Iraqis knocked down the Trade Towers?

Oh, they didn’t? Osama? I thought we were helping him fight the Ruskies in Afghanistan?

Oh, we were. And he won. And then Afghanistan went super right-wing Muslim and took out the Towers. So we took out Afghanistan?

Oh, it wasn’t them. It was Osama and he lived there. So we got Osama.

Oh, he’s not dead? In jail then?

Not that either?

So he fled to Iraq and that’s why we went after them?

No? He’s probably still in Afghanistan?

Oh. But we went into Iraq because of the Towers, right?

No? The VP Bush waged war against Iraq when he was President? And we lost!

Oh, we won. So we knocked off Saddam and his government then?

Oh. We let him stay? For 12 years? Why?

Oh, because America doesn’t nation build. And now he has nuclear, biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction that threatened us?

Great. So now we won in Iraq. And Saddam is dead? No? In jail?

Oh, he’s alive and waging guerilla war against us?

Hold on, I thought you said we won? Oh good, we did. So the troops are home.

No? They’re still there and are getting killed and wounded as bad as when the war was going on?

Oh. Because we’re nation building?

Well, at least we got rid of those mass weapons that were threatening us.

No? They can’t find any? But why did we go in there then?

Because the President said in the State of the Union Address that the Iraqis were getting nuclear materials from Niger. So at least they found that stuff, right?

No? Turned out that wasn’t true? They hadn’t even tried to cut a deal in Niger? But Bush didn’t know that when we went in, right?

Oh, the State Department sent someone to check it out months earlier and he reported back that the whole nuke deal was bogus and the documents were a forgery?

And the Administration now says this diplomatic guy wasn’t really in the loop, just midlevel, so no one paid any attention to what he said and nobody close to the President actually knew the story was false? But the Vice-President knew? What does the White House say about all this?

Oh, the President’s press secretary just admitted the whole story is bogus and told Reuters, "This information should not have risen to the level of a presidential speech.”

But at least Bush has gone in front of the American people and apologized for starting a war based on bad information. I mean the buck stops…right?

Oh. All he would tell Reuters in response was, "I am absolutely confident in the decision I made. There's no doubt in my mind that when it's all said and done the facts will show the world the truth."

I’m sure. Anyway, at least those Afghans and those Iraqis who knocked down the Towers got what they deserved.

Oh, it wasn’t them. It was Saudis?

Oh, and the ex-President Bush, the dad, he now works for the Carlyle Group, investing the Saudi royal family’s dough? Oh, and our new VP, Dick Cheney, is the ex-boss of Halliburton and they are getting the big dough to rebuild Iraq and that dough will come from Iraqi oil?

And what about Reagan’s legacy?

Oh, we’re running huge federal deficits again? And our Defense budget is going straight up, too?

Enough. I’m exhausted. Wake me in another 20 years and I’ll ask you about Medicare.

It may not be around that long?

Oh.


For Starters

A crazy friend ranted to me in one of his email again. He points out how we are stuck in Iraq with troops on the ground in a bad neighborhood, losing a few every day in the fog and the chaos...and to the occasional bushwack.

We're putting Saddam's people back in positions of power and wonder why the people there are starting to take pot shots at us.

And can someone explain to me exactly why there was no plan, I repeat, no plan to protect hospitals, libraries, museums, etc. etc. and to put in a significant force of Americans to run the basic utilities, deliver food, etc. immediately after the hostilities slowed down?

I have only vaguely conspiratorial answers to that, and will refrain from saying the obvious. That chaos is often profitable.

Did I say obvious? Sorry, I meant to say Halliburton.

I'm no lib-symp traitor, but I must say the post campaign campaign will also be one for the text books. A negative example.

After the photo ops, the landing on carriers (taking a page out of Putin's pre-election play book?), the chaos will ensure that we must continue to support those in power (here), that the rest of the world will continue to let us run the place and that the war on terrorism will never be won. After all, win the war and some folks might want to curtail military spending....ohmygod, not that! Besides, the war on drugs was petering out.

And besides, as Gordon Liddy once said in the pages of OMNI magazine, referring, ironically, to a terrorist attack on this country, a foreign invasion would take our people's minds off the domestic problems...how right he was.

Look up at the streetlight and smile for the camera.

¶ 7:31 PM