Friendly Fire

When the Eiffel Tower had a fire the other day, the President’s men in the White House quickly gathered together to figure out a response. Everyone knows that the French are not the favorites of the President’s advisors, but global plans to fight terrorism overcame their natural reluctance to help their adversarial “old Europe” NATO ally.

“This will set back our plans to restructure NATO so that it actually is made up only of us, Great Britain and former members of the Warsaw pact,” said Rumsfeld. “But you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. What the hell, let’s send in a SEAL team,” said Rumsfeld. “They can secure the area and then we can rotate some of the Third ID from Baghdad through the Chunnel to France. That ought to take some of the griping out of the boys. They sure liked those French women in all those war movies I saw as a kid. That way we make sure that any anarchy is quelled until we can establish management of the tower that is friendly to us.”

Said Wolfowitz. “A maitre d’ I spoke to in Paris on the way to Iraq told me that there is a Paris pro-French group who may have Al Qaeda links involved in this fire. He served me a very nice French wine; I’m sure we can trust his intel.”

“My men from the FBI will start looking at security camera photos from the entrance on the ground floor and matching them to our ATM and immigration records immediately, looking for an al Qaeda link,” said Ashcroft. “And if I have to kick a few doors down to get answers, so be it. Let them squawk. We’ve got the Patriot Act, so I no problem squeezing info from them.”

“But if you pick up any Frenchmen don’t send them to Guantanamo, send them to Maine, or anywhere cold. They love the warm weather. You’ll never get them to talk in Cuba,” said Cheney.

“In the meantime, I think I can find something in my files, from an Italian children’s morning TV show, that I recall showed that there was someone in Paris connected to Al Qaeda,” said Condi Rice.

“Can’t we find something that makes it look like they’re acquiring weapons of mass destruction?” asked Cheney.

“A fire can cause mass destruction. Look at the great Chicago fire. And we’ve had reports that our own massive forest fires might be due to actual intentional arson from Al Queda cells in the U.S. who acquired their training and materials abroad,” said Ashcroft.

“Make me believe it,” said Cheney.

“Found a crumpled package of Gauloise cigarettes in one RV camping spot in Arizona. I think we have a compelling case here for Al Queda involvement in this Eiffel Tower thing,” said Ashcroft. “All we have to do is find a Gauloise cigarette pack near the site of the Tower fire.”

“Bring it on,” said the President.

But no one was really listening to him. They were huddling around the wall map looking at Paris.

“We can avoid getting flyover permission if we launch from Great Britain. The team can be in control of the Eiffel Tower in a couple of hours, Mr. President,” said Rumsfeld.

“I hate to commit troops abroad, but it’s America’s manifest destiny to bring freedom to people, whether they like it or not. And the French have lived under the horror of socialism for too long,” said the President. “Besides, after our boys sent in the police to arrest the democrats in Congress the other day, it’s important for people to know that we abide by the highest moral and ethical standard: We treat others exactly the same way as we treat ourselves. Hey, where the heck is Colin?”

Said, Rumsfeld, “He’s touring Europe, Mr. President. “Getting Germany, France and the others to help us police Iraq. Our boys are getting restless over there, so we need the old-line Europeans to send their troops to Baghdad so we can rotate the Third ID out.”
¶ 9:12 AM