That Fresh Taste of Freedom

Now that it’s Ramadan, US troops in Iraq can’t smoke in public during the day. It’s a good start, but it’s just a beginning.

Since smoking is now forbidden in much of the US indoors and 24-hours-a-day, I think such permissiveness in Iraq is positively un-American. Why should American troops, or anyone else, be permitted to smoke anywhere, ever? Why should these eco-terrorists be permitted to threaten the freedom of those non-smokers around them to live healthy lives?

As guardians of the sacred Western ideal of freedom, it is our duty as Americans to both set an example and spread its practice to those backward areas of this planet where such anti-democratic, eco-terrorist acts, like exposing others to second-hand smoke, are flagrantly practiced.

With wanton disregard for the rights of others, Iraqi smokers pollute cafes and restaurants with the destructive outgases of their addiction. Saddam was bad, but tobacco killed more Iraqis, and more Americans, than he ever did. We must enforce the same non-smoking bans in Baghdad that you find, for example, in a free city like New York.

How else can our Iraqi brethren learn to love freedom as we do?

The political and diplomatic implications of banning smoking in Baghdad would be profound and could really turn things around on those fronts for the Bush White House. The Administration has had a lot of trouble getting its pro-environment message through. Well, forget the Kyoto treaty, the real environmental issue of our time is smoking.

Positioned in the right on this environmental 800-pound gorilla, the US could rally countries around the globe to its side. Except for the Japanese and Europeans, who smoke like chimneys. No matter the latter, that’s old Europe. Those who have newly won freedom in the former USSR surely will appreciate this initiative. That’s why there is almost no smoking in those countries at all. I’ve no doubt that moving preemptively against pro-smoking nations around the world would rally a huge coalition to our side.

Surely, the silent, non-smoking majority of Baghdad’s citizens would applaud this move and greet our smoking police with flowers and song…much as such officials are now greeted when ticketing smokers at eateries throughout the US.

Freed of the scourge of smoking, Baghdadians would finally feel safe enough to venture into the streets in the quiet and pleasant evenings there. They would at last know they would not be assaulted by nicotine-laced smoke, a peril they now so fear that they are compelled to huddle in their homes after dark.

In true multicultural fashion, this banning of smoking, drinking and sex during the daylight hours of Ramadan should inspire our support, which surely would be viewed favorably throughout the Muslim world. How could they not be moved by our efforts to protect their health by forbidding smoking, not just during Ramadan and in Muslim nations, but all year and worldwide?

That’s right, a preemptive war on smoking! We started a war on drug dealers, only to discover that they were only part of the problem. So we expanded our efforts to a war on terrorists, which included, but was not limited to, drug dealers. But the threat to our safety and welfare posed by smoking now demands that we stay the course and extend our war to all smokers everywhere (it’s well known that terrorists and drug dealers are all heavy smokers).

And while we are at it, I think we should consider our war here at home. Banning smoking was a start, but insufficient. Our health and safety are at stake.

Smoking is bad, but alcoholism is also a scourge fostering second-hand misery and suffering in all directions. Drunk drivers, domestic violence, abandonment of families and accidents on the job…the list goes on and on.

So now that we have banned smoking in public places, we should go the next step. Drinking should also be banned. Workers in bars and restaurants have been subjected for far too long to the outrageous assaults on their welfare by second-hand smoke and second-hand drunkenness. Drink-free and smoke-free bars and restaurants are clearly what the public, and these workers, deserve…now.

And while we’re at it, banning really bad pick-up lines is also something we should start considering…I’m all for free speech, but the harm they’ve caused makes damage from smoking and drinking pale by comparison. ¶ 9:02 AM