Domino Theory


“Welcome to Middle Eastern Domino’s how can we help you today?”

“This is Paul Bremer. You got burgers, freedom fries?”

“Sorry Mr. Paul, we only have pizza here.”

“No fries?”

“If we offered fries, then one thing would lead to another and we couldn’t manage the business. At least that’s the theory here at Domino’s. Hold on please. I’ve got another call. Domino’s how can we help you today?”

“This is Saddam, I’d like a delivery, it’s terrible outside today and I don’t feel like cooking.”

“Yes sir, right away. Would you mind terribly holding?”

“No problemo, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hello, welcome to Domino’s. How can I help you today?”

“It’s Yasser, Can you still deliver to Gaza?”

“Certainly Mr. Yasser.”

“Great, I’m starving. Can I get a feta pizza with olives and artichokes?”

“Will that be cash or charge?”

“Put it on my Amex.”

“Just let me pull up your file. Oh dear, I’m afraid your card is no longer good, Mr.Yasser.”

“OK fine, you got Saddam’s card on file, charge it to him then.”

“Actually, he’s on the other line. One moment please. Hello?”

“This is Saddam, yes, I am still holding.”

“Mr. Yasser would like to charge his feta, olive and artichoke pizza to your card. Is that all right with you?”

“Again? Like I am made of money? He never pays. Maybe he should quit hanging around the house all day, get out and find work.”

“Sorry sir, his American Express was cut off.”

“OK, OK. What are friends for? Hold it a sec while I check something (the rustling of a wallet). Right, let’s use my MasterCard that’s on file.”

“One moment please.”

“Mr. Saddam, I’m afraid that Master has been cancelled. An outstanding balance for some aluminum tubing?”

“I told the bank I had mailed in the check. Oh? They’ve been bought by Citi? I’ll have to straighten it out with them later. Just use my Amex.”

“One moment please.”

“Mr. Saddam, I’m afraid that’s been suspended. Apparently, there’s an outstanding balance for some chemical and biological weapons.”

“Hey, I straightened that out back in the 80s!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but Middle Eastern Domino’s can’t really help you with that. Perhaps if you called American Express…?”

“Can’t. I keep getting trapped in phone hell.”

“Mr. Saddam, could you hold a moment? I’ve got another call.”

“Hello, welcome to Middle Eastern Domino’s. How can I help you?”

“This is Taylor. Do you deliver to Nigeria?”

“I’m sorry Mr. Taylor, only to Liberia in that part of Africa.”

“Damn. Well, now I don’t know what to do. I’ll have to call you back when I figure out where I’ll be later. Bye.”

“Hello, Mr. Yasser, are you still holding?”

“I’m here and I’m hungry! Have you gotten the OK to get me my pizza yet?”

“One moment sir, I’m still checking with Mr. Saddam. Perhaps you have another card?”

“You take Dinar’s Club?”

“Not for the last few months, sir, sorry. There was a hostile takeover and now their accounts are with Amex.”

“Amex again. Well get back to Saddam. I’m sure he’ll spring for it.”

“With pleasure sir, hold on please.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hello, Mr. Saddam? Are you holding on?”

“Still here.”

“Mr. Yasser is holding. Do you have another card you can give us?”

“Hell with the cards. You take dinars?”

“Not for several months now sir, sorry.”

Hello? (Pistol shots in the background) “All right, have it your way. U.S. Dollars. And give me two of whatever Yasser’s getting.”

“Gladly sir. If the pies aren’t there in 30 minutes, they’re free.”

“Great. But don’t send mine to the palace. I’ll meet you at the corner of Saddam and Main with the money. You know where Yasser is, right?”

“Yes sir, same place as always.”

“Hello, Mr. Paul. I’m terribly sorry for the delay. If you think you’ll need pizzas regularly, we’d be happy to set you up with our corporate discount program.”

“Good idea. Stick a brochure in with the order. No point wasting money. No one seems to know where Saddam is, so we could be here quite a while.”



Letting Them Eat Cake

So Ari Fleischer has been looking for a new job and has finally gotten to the last interview with his most promising prospect, Mr. Acme, president of Acme Bakery Company. What follows is a direct transcript of that final interview:

ACME: “Ari, Everything looks good. Just a couple things to clear up on your background. Seems the letter you gave us about your baking experience in Africa is, uh, forged.”

FLEISCHER: “I think you've seen my resume, about whether I did or did not work at the places I outlined there. I prepared it at the beginning of the year, based on that letter of reference. Now that I am here, at your bakery, whether or not my resume is true is a judgment made in hindsight, based on knowing now what I did not know at the time I prepared my resume. And, in retrospect, I would not have given you that letter.”

ACME: “But the British company that owns the Africa bakery says they never heard of you?

FLEISCHER: “I think this remains an issue about did I run a bakery in Africa, an issue that very well may be true. Sitting here now, we don't know if it's true—I may have run a different bakery. And, therefore, the judgment I’ve made is it should not have risen to the level of inclusion in my resume.”

ACME: “Let me follow-up on one point, you are someone who said he prides himself on straight talk and accountability. Yet you’re not acting upset that this recommendation letter is false, something that appeared in your application package.

FLEISCHER: “I assure you that I am not pleased. I, of course, would not be pleased if I put something in my resume that may or may not have been true and should not have risen to this level. There's no question about that. I’ve acknowledged that.
“But I also am a guy who keeps his eye on what really counts and on the bigger picture. Nobody, but nobody, thinks that the only reason I am going to run your bakery is because I may or may not have run a yellow-cake bakery in Africa. I am going to run your bakery because your bakery needs to be run by someone who believes in the rightness of your way of doing business, who says what he means and who tells the competition to “bring it on.” My actual experience running a yellow-cake bakery, in the scheme of things, is a minor element in the judgment that was made in the events that led up to hiring me. And that's why I’ve approached it in the manner that I have.”

ACME: “Thanks for clearing this whole mess up, Ari. It reassures me to find out you’re the straight-shooter I thought you were when I put you in charge.”


If You’d Just Come Out of a Coma…

Just the other day a man came out of a 19-year coma. A miracle and a gift for all involved. He still thought Reagan was President. It got me to thinking about what it might be like to get filled in on what’s happened in our foreign “involvement” since then.

“You mean that invisible Beltway guy, VP Bush is now President? The one who was head of the CIA?

No? His son? Who the hell is his son? Some frat boy his dad’s cronies gave a baseball team in Texas? He’s gonna fight the Ruskies?

No? The Ruskies are our pals now? We’re fighting the Muslims? Iraq? The Iraqis knocked down the Trade Towers?

Oh, they didn’t? Osama? I thought we were helping him fight the Ruskies in Afghanistan?

Oh, we were. And he won. And then Afghanistan went super right-wing Muslim and took out the Towers. So we took out Afghanistan?

Oh, it wasn’t them. It was Osama and he lived there. So we got Osama.

Oh, he’s not dead? In jail then?

Not that either?

So he fled to Iraq and that’s why we went after them?

No? He’s probably still in Afghanistan?

Oh. But we went into Iraq because of the Towers, right?

No? The VP Bush waged war against Iraq when he was President? And we lost!

Oh, we won. So we knocked off Saddam and his government then?

Oh. We let him stay? For 12 years? Why?

Oh, because America doesn’t nation build. And now he has nuclear, biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction that threatened us?

Great. So now we won in Iraq. And Saddam is dead? No? In jail?

Oh, he’s alive and waging guerilla war against us?

Hold on, I thought you said we won? Oh good, we did. So the troops are home.

No? They’re still there and are getting killed and wounded as bad as when the war was going on?

Oh. Because we’re nation building?

Well, at least we got rid of those mass weapons that were threatening us.

No? They can’t find any? But why did we go in there then?

Because the President said in the State of the Union Address that the Iraqis were getting nuclear materials from Niger. So at least they found that stuff, right?

No? Turned out that wasn’t true? They hadn’t even tried to cut a deal in Niger? But Bush didn’t know that when we went in, right?

Oh, the State Department sent someone to check it out months earlier and he reported back that the whole nuke deal was bogus and the documents were a forgery?

And the Administration now says this diplomatic guy wasn’t really in the loop, just midlevel, so no one paid any attention to what he said and nobody close to the President actually knew the story was false? But the Vice-President knew? What does the White House say about all this?

Oh, the President’s press secretary just admitted the whole story is bogus and told Reuters, "This information should not have risen to the level of a presidential speech.”

But at least Bush has gone in front of the American people and apologized for starting a war based on bad information. I mean the buck stops…right?

Oh. All he would tell Reuters in response was, "I am absolutely confident in the decision I made. There's no doubt in my mind that when it's all said and done the facts will show the world the truth."

I’m sure. Anyway, at least those Afghans and those Iraqis who knocked down the Towers got what they deserved.

Oh, it wasn’t them. It was Saudis?

Oh, and the ex-President Bush, the dad, he now works for the Carlyle Group, investing the Saudi royal family’s dough? Oh, and our new VP, Dick Cheney, is the ex-boss of Halliburton and they are getting the big dough to rebuild Iraq and that dough will come from Iraqi oil?

And what about Reagan’s legacy?

Oh, we’re running huge federal deficits again? And our Defense budget is going straight up, too?

Enough. I’m exhausted. Wake me in another 20 years and I’ll ask you about Medicare.

It may not be around that long?

Oh.


For Starters

A crazy friend ranted to me in one of his email again. He points out how we are stuck in Iraq with troops on the ground in a bad neighborhood, losing a few every day in the fog and the chaos...and to the occasional bushwack.

We're putting Saddam's people back in positions of power and wonder why the people there are starting to take pot shots at us.

And can someone explain to me exactly why there was no plan, I repeat, no plan to protect hospitals, libraries, museums, etc. etc. and to put in a significant force of Americans to run the basic utilities, deliver food, etc. immediately after the hostilities slowed down?

I have only vaguely conspiratorial answers to that, and will refrain from saying the obvious. That chaos is often profitable.

Did I say obvious? Sorry, I meant to say Halliburton.

I'm no lib-symp traitor, but I must say the post campaign campaign will also be one for the text books. A negative example.

After the photo ops, the landing on carriers (taking a page out of Putin's pre-election play book?), the chaos will ensure that we must continue to support those in power (here), that the rest of the world will continue to let us run the place and that the war on terrorism will never be won. After all, win the war and some folks might want to curtail military spending....ohmygod, not that! Besides, the war on drugs was petering out.

And besides, as Gordon Liddy once said in the pages of OMNI magazine, referring, ironically, to a terrorist attack on this country, a foreign invasion would take our people's minds off the domestic problems...how right he was.

Look up at the streetlight and smile for the camera.

¶ 7:31 PM