Germany, France Surrender!

Unprovoked Response from Bitter War Opponents Based on Hope of Mercy, Reconstruction Package

AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN FRANCE—Cries of surrender wafted through the clear winter air in this tiny French village, where Europe’s two despotic pro-diplomacy leaders had held out until the bitter end. But finally, faced with the near-total absence of American tourists and the stinging loss of the lucrative, UN managed “Iraqi Oil for Food Program,” France and Germany have capitulated. From this secure location their leaders have declared an unconditional surrender to America and its many, many allies in the War on Terrorism (WOT).

Jacques Chirac today announced that, like Libya, France also has been concealing Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD). Germany’s Gerhard Schröder joined his EU colleague in disclosing that while no actual WMDs were at present secreted in Germany’s arsenal, his country’s nuclear power and chemical industries were “just a screw turn away” in terms of capability to convert radioactive and neurotoxic materials into such weapons.

“We have seen the awesome, shocking might of the U.S. in its use of the pre-emptive response. In Iraq, the President of the United States struck a mighty blow against non-existent WMDs, and we took notice” Chirac announced from his secret location. “As we actually have WMDs, it became clear that we had no choice but to preemptively surrender before we, too, would face an American-delivered Armageddon.”

It wasn’t easy to negotiate a peaceful settlement between such bitter foes. But thanks to months of back-channel diplomatic negotiations, culminating in an urgent, late night phone call to Karl Rove on the eve of the primary season, “Old Europe” decided that, in the interest of world peace, it should immediately surrender and open its arsenals to snap inspections by the IAEA…like Libya, or American tourists. Said Chirac, “As a sign of trust, we’ve decided to leave this decision to the appropriate party, the American Department of Defense.”

At the same time, both French and German authorities announced that they were hoping to bring American tourists, companies and investors back to their own countries. Plans are now underway to develop a “rebuild democracy in Europe” initiative through which billions of American tax dollars can subsidize the rebuilding of European schools, police stations, roads and infrastructure in order that these countries may better clamp down on terrorists within their borders and make it easier for tour buses to negotiate the rustic countrysides and medieval towns of these two quaint former foes.

“The war on terrorism can only be won if we are willing to spend our blood and treasure in countries beset with economic and institutional problems, like those burdened by nationalized health care and isolationist socialist tendencies in “Old Europe,” according to an unnamed U.S. defense department source. “It’s better that we fight the terrorists in Europe than here at home. Besides, our GDP is way up now, at 8.2 percent in the third quarter.”

According to this source, as the earnings from our primary contractors in Iraq are booked here in the U.S., that means almost all those dollars we spend rebuilding its schools, hospitals and power grids to the benefit of non-taxpaying, non-citizens really benefit Americans…as long as they are living off investments in equities and not off the wages from the hundreds of thousands of jobs our tax dollars are creating abroad for foreigners. Says this high-placed analyst, “we believe that by expanding this program to France and Germany, we can further boost company profits and allow them to pay less-taxed dividends to all those citizens who now live off their investments in the Market.”

But economists at the President’s Council of Economic Advisors quickly pointed out that any such analysis suggesting that only large investors would profit by such a policy was naïve. Such increased defense expenditures make it possible for more Americans to find work in the “Reserves,” now on indefinite extended assignment in Iraq. Said one economist with the Council, “As the present regulatory climate makes it so difficult to create job growth domestically, it is more efficient to use our tax dollars to send Americans to jobs we create for them abroad. Besides, these are jobs with little chance of layoffs and, therefore, good long-term employment prospects.” ¶ 5:28 PM